What the hell am i doing

Sitting in a church I don't like on Christmas eve to make my mom happy.  Thinking about a question that my daughter's girlfriend asked me the other day.  How do I handle being married to an atheist?  My answer was the heart wants what the heart wants, and my faith is enough for us both.

But.....

What is worse.... a heretic, an atheist,  or a hypocrite?
The heritic walks the walk and talks the talk and doesn't believe any of it.
The atheist doesn't believe in anything and let's you know it, constantly.  Even when you tell them you don't care about their opinion.
The hypocrite believes and may even walk the walk and talk the talk, but they always judge and make sure others feel like shit for not believing enough.

So who is more wrong?  Not in the eye of god, in your eyes. Who is worse? 

Why, why, why, why

Way to go and plan the kids for something you did. I get you don't remember doing it. That doesn't check that you did it.  And saying the kids are home and did it, is a copout.  Thanks for reminding me why I ready don't want to talk to you anymore. 

I even told you what the issue was last night and what did you do? Denied that you do anything
I told you I was going to point out that you are condescending to me, every time you were.   What did you do? You did it in front of the kids, so rather that take the bait of the fight you are starting, I just kept my mouth shut.

I know a woman who married a real creeper of a guy. Lots of people like him, but he's creepy, and she knows it.  When asked why she is with him her reply is "I took one for the team".   It's kinda how I'm feeling.  Every day. Every time he acts more and more like the man he claims to hate.

I'm done

Have I ever told you I don't like holidays?

Actually I hate them. 
Hate cleaning to have people you don't like come visit and make snid comments.
Hate cooking just to have family, ya know the ones that are supposed to love you, criticize your food.
Hate the way I get treated if I do something everyone else is doing, because how dare I.
Hate the way everything I say is wrong. How people that have known me my whole adult life act like I'm being difficult or weird when I try and be myself.
I just want everyone to go away.
You want to know what I'm thankful for... I'm thankful that I can go home and be alone and be myself every once in a while.

4am

Four am is too fucking early.  I know this because my body hates it but is now so used to it that it is waking me up before the damn alarm. 

Home cookin

The other night I made stuffed pepper soup.   Yum!  But why the he'll does the pasta always soak up all the broth???

3 green peppers, 1 onion, 4 garlic cloves all chopped
A pound ish if hot Italian sausage
Orzo, about a cup
Quart of chicken broth
LG can of crushed tomatoes

Really that doesn't should like it would soak it all up!!

At least I have a serving left for me. ☺

p@1n !n th3 a $$

Can someone please explain to me why my pain is never real???

What the f@#$=% is that all About!  If I say I'm in pain it's because I am. It's not because your music sucks (And yes it does) it really is ear splittingly loud.  Seriously I didn't tell you that when I couldn't even walk on my knee that your foot pain, which started while sitting, was just in your head. Nope sure didn't. But you were vocal enough to say that it was much worse than mine.  Right  - your self diagnosed gout is much worse than my complete tear I. The meniscus. 

I sit here crying in pain while you laugh saying I'm faking it.

what's next?

Been a scout leader for 12 years.  Seen more changes than I care to in the organization.  Gained and lost more girls then I'd care to admit.  Lost a few good leaders too, they will be missed.

Been a scout leader for 3 years.  Seen a few changes in the organization that needs to changes a little more for my tastes. Lost more boys than I'd like to admit.  Lost a few good leaders too since they can't accept all the changes, although I think its for the best that if you can't change.

Been a mom for 16+ years.  Seen a lot of ups and downs.  For the most part its been fun, good kids, no major events that we couldn't surmount. Now to survive the next 16 years. :)

Been married 16+ years.  Dated him for 3 years prior to that.  Almost half my life with the man.  He still surprises me. Don't tell him, I think some times he changes just to keep me on my toes.

Another year over

Lots changes. Lots stayed the same.

Missing my sister a lot.

Missing my dad a little less each day. Which doesn't say much since I miss him almost as much as my sister right now.

Work has been up and down. lots of down, some up. Finally getting better.

Scouts is scouts. Busy, busy, but that never changes.

J and me are getting better, less fighting which is always a good thing.

Ya, nothing to report.

what the h3!!

Why can't people leave it alone! Drop it already! You are never going to agree, none of you know why the original comment was posted. You are all being idiots for not shutting up. Don't comment to the post. Let it die!!

tear in my coffee

why the hell can't I stop thinking that you are going to walk away from me forever? Is it because I see you do it with other friends? Is it becuase I know its true. That you would walk away rather then talk it out.
Can we cancel work today, please? I just need to go back to bed.

crying over spilled texting

Why the hell am I crying because you won't let me vent?

Why the hell do I care what you think anyway? You vent to me all the time. You tell me that I don't know my own kid, when your is all "shizal my swisal". My kid doesn't talk to boys for hours or worse make out with them. My kids haven't been divorced twice with 3 kids. (ok, by rights, they aren't old enough for those mistakes yet)

So I vented about texting shorthand in emails, get over it. Don't attack me for my opinion. Don't make me feel like shit becuase you think kids will be kids and we as adults shouldn't bother. Don't ignore me when I try to apologize for upsetting you.

Don't kill this friendship becuase you think you are the only one allowed to vent or have an opinion.

Just don't.

What is the point

No one is reading this anyway

just goes to show

does he even really care

does he get me at all

.....

Snow, snow everywhere, and way too cold to play with

It's around 30 below outside. Inside it's a nice 70 degrees... until you walk into a draft anyway. I love snow, I like the cold weather... but this is a little much... We don't even have a shovel to move the snow of the steps right now since J man broke ours last week. 5 day weekend from school isn't helping matters either.

Oh well... I didn't want to go out in the weather anyway... I like cold, not wind!

What happened to Christmas this year?

It really doesn't feel like the season this year. Even the candle light service at church felt off. Still feel the reason for the season. Still feel all lovey and all, but something is still missing. Maybe it's realizing that my 9 yr. old is losing the belief in Santa or that my sister is in the hospital hopefully not losing her baby. Eitehr way this season just doesn't seem quite right. The kids are healthy and happy, everyone got at least something they asked for. Maybe it's the upcoming nuptuals for J's aunt.. she's finally remarrying after 10 yrs. of being a widow... She won't have our last name anymore... Maybe it the fact that Ali is in Germany and no matter what I do there is nothing that I can do to help her or fix the problem. Maybe it's the fact that our friends J and C are fighting (again) and it makes for a hard time on us since they are our only real friends that both of us get along with.

Last night after work (at the church service) I heard "Where are you Christmas" on the radio... it made me think of my kids especially Ash... she's growing up so fast, she's not sure where she is and want to be a little kid and still run with the big kids... it made me think about me... and how this season just doesn't feel like the others... maybe it's because I'm back in church and remember what it's really all about... maybe it's because of my sister and worrying about her... maybe it's the extended family and all the BS they bring, although I'm very thankful that I only see them twice a year... Or maybe it's me... maybe I've changed.

Preclampsia sucks

high BP
Protien
Sugar

Yuck!!

Get well soon sis

Snow

Falling little specks of white
Dancing through the sky
Covering everything in sight

web programing....

Ugh!
I'm currently updating the website for the family (mainly me) that I started about 10 years ago. I can't believe that I've had the site that long... or that it was that out of date. Anyway when I have it looking good I'll link it to here.

I need coffee

I've gone for the last few weeks will NO coffee. Let me just say that waking up SUCKS!!

I'm addicted.

Are you happy I said it?

I'm addicted to coffee in the mornings. There now maybe I'll get up and make some.

Maybe.

Ya I think I'll go and make some.

alone sucks

I hate being alone. I know I said that I would love to have the house to myself for a weekend, just get away from everyone. Well I was wrong, it sucks!

The only thing to do around here is house work. There is NOTHING on cable, the computer games are getting BORING, and I have nothing that I want to read around here.

How the hell do people live by themselves?!? I've never done it myself. Always had a roommate or dorm mate or house mate. Never had a place ALL to my self for very long anyway.

Wait I remember having a dorm room to myself for a semester... that was the time I went to classes and work and the only time I ate was when my friends came and dragged me to the caf. I feel like that now, too bad the friends aren't around to drag me somewhere. They don't even know I'm home.

Maybe I should call someone.... Oh wait I did. Ya I called Nick and "yelled" at him for not inviting me to the party at his place. All the rest of the family that's in town is there. Probably a few other people I know too. Would have been fun... maybe... if it wasn't just poker... well even that's fun... Damn now I'm getting depressed.

J man get home. I hate being alone! Ok there I said it. Are you happy? I miss you guys.

Why is it getting so hard?

I hate being bored.
It makes me depressed.

I currently have nothing I want to do.
I have things I should do but noone is around to tell me to do them.

It's hard to concentrate.
It's hard to sleep.
It's hard to do a lot of things,

but still they seem to get done.

I wonder what it all means?